I used to have this childhood fantasy; it was so real you could almost call it a vision.  I used to wish every place I’d ever stepped, and every thing I’d ever touched could light up.  That way I’d always know if I’d been somewhere before, or if I had held a thing before. Rest stops somewhere in Iowa would glow with the footsteps of family vacations from my childhood and I would always know if I had held a dollar bill before.  I just wanted to know I had been there.  Like real time graffiti.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, as troubling news reports and scary things scroll by on my newsfeed and Facebook page. With every article I share I feel more useless. With every response to misinformation I am tempted toward a bit more of existential despair. Where have I been lately? Does any of this information sharing matter at all? When I put down my phone and go to do something mundane like wash the dishes, or even something better like playing with my kids–am I just shutting my mind to the problems in this world when I should be fighting? How does a person function when the world is so stressed out? How stressed out should I actually be?

I told my husband today, “I keep being horribly tempted to be afraid.  But then I remember that we are not supposed to be afraid. Then I think, ‘so what on earth am I supposed to be feeling right now?'”

Jonathon said, “Faith, and that it IS all going to be ok.” I thought for a moment.

“But is it the kind of ok where I still need to be worrying about where my kids are going to go to college, or the kind of ok where first Armageddon comes and then Jesus comes back? Because those are very different kinds of okay.”

He laughed. I laughed.  We both got that far away look you get on your face when you know what you’re laughing about isn’t really that funny.

The thing is that I’m bone tired from the cultural and political climate we find ourselves in. I know I’m not the only one, and I highly doubt that I’m even anywhere near to the most tired. It’s easy to want my Facebook to go back to nothing but cat pictures and babies. I do not blame people who are desperately trying to steer it back that direction with lobbed pictures of kittens or ANYTHING, that can distract even for a second from the panic. Even total despair feels like a rest from the constant weeding and combing through articles for truth. But here is what I believe, what I think I know if I know anything at all.  We have to keep caring.

Do you remember in 1999 how the world was flipping the heck out over Y2K? How people were preparing bunkers and fallout shelters for the end of the world? And then when it came it pfft’d by with no more than a few outrageous overdue fees at video stores. It’s easy to make fun of ourselves for that pandemonium, but one could easily argue that Y2K didn’t happen because we flipped out about it beforehand.  I am hoping this is like that. We have to keep flipping out. Take breaks, tag team, whatever you have to do. But we can not give in to apathy and lay down.

This is a hard message for a lot of reasons. First, the world is not newly broken. It’s been broke for awhile and it’s easy to wonder why it’s special enough to drop everything for it now. Second, we disagree wildly about exactly WHAT is broken and HOW it’s broken. How do we come together over that?

I don’t know.

But I do know that caring about things is important. I generally don’t affect my world by standing back until I know what to do and how to do it correctly.  Personally it has usually involved running into the mess and making an awful lot of mistakes, backing up, and then making a lot more. People tend to bounce off of each other really uncomfortably even when they end up doing a lot of good. I know I’m being vague. I look at the problems of the world and it seems like one big Schrodinger’s cat problem. Is it right or wrong? Good or bad? Alive or dead?

It is really really tempting to decide to leave the box be and walk away. Maybe it will all be ok if I just don’t touch anything. Or maybe I am walking away from something I could actually change if I just did the scary thing and looked into the box. But that’s hard.

The thing is, we don’t generally get to keep track of a great amount of what we have done or where the things we touch go. So it can start to feel like we’ve gone nowhere and touched nothing. It’s not as easy as opening a box. And the problems of the world are a whole lot worse than a potentially dead cat.

And we don’t even agree on what needs to be done. The political fences are high and the perspectives could not be more different. How do I work with my neighbor to improve the world when we just don’t even seem to be talking about the same world sometimes? As far as I can tell, it’s this: I do it anyway. I find people who want to take care of people the way Jesus taught us, and I assume we are on the same team. Maybe we think that means different things. Maybe we think that works different ways. But I have to believe that if our goal is to serve God and keep our fight against evil and not each other that we will get there. No matter who we voted for or what policies we disagree on.

The truly difficult part is giving up our ability to feel any amount of control over the pain of the world or how our actions affect it. We must take up what we believe is right and do it knowing that we may never know if or why it was important. We might be planting the seeds of a good life for our children if not for ourselves. God can rule between the different actions and perspectives we take. But we can’t give up. Please don’t give up.

Because you know what I believe? Even though I cannot say a magic word and cause all the steps and touches I’ve ever made light up–that exists. Those things are known. The God who knows when every sparrow falls knows where I’ve been and touched. And he makes these efforts toward peace and love matter.

So do not grow tired of caring, friends; or of witnessing other people care. Care on the Internet and off. Care if you’re washing dishes or being an activist. Care if you are running into the fight or taking a break for awhile. But apathy is such a dangerous enemy. Good people need to hold apathy as a greater enemy than making mistakes or disagreeing.

Because I think, and I hope that caring is what makes all those fall-out shelters useless and the doomsday prophets silly. It’s what keeps the darkness at bay.

Do not ever stop.

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