I’ve been in the church my entire life, but that isn’t to say I’ve gone to church the same way my entire life.
There were the toddler years where church was about crayons and cheerios while laying down in a back pew. There were the older kid years where church was mostly about getting permission to sit next to a friend and playing tic-tac-toe and all those other pencil games (like that one with all the dots where you make boxes. What IS that game called?). Then there were the teenager years where church was about trying to figure what clothes would set off the little old lady modesty police and which wouldn’t. Those years led into the almost college years where it was about begging my Dad to be able to go to a different church–one where I hadn’t been up until 1am having an intense argument with the pastor about my curfew. Then followed the odd dark years of college where my goal was to attend church in pajamas, talk to no one, be involved in nothing, and escape quietly out the back when it was over.
Adulthood was started very differently for me, as church was about attending secretly in houses where there was no official pastor and technically we could be arrested for doing Christian church at all. (Apparently the pajama years weren’t enough out-there for me). There was a brief stint before that where church was going to an all Jamaican congregation as the only people who couldn’t dance (though admittedly, that was for only 2 months). And sometimes church was finding whatever congregation happened to be available in Turkey, or Italy, or England, or sometimes listening to a Texas congregation on my computer, or occasionally just sitting outside and trying to hear God outside of any structure at all. And now I’m in the kid years where church is about hoping the kids sleep in until at least 7, and figuring out how to feed and dress everyone and get out the door and be on time without fights breaking out or tears. (There are usually fights and tears).
That’s a long list I know. I’ve done church in a whole lotta different ways. Even in my rebellious and and weird phases I did church.
“But Andi,” you say, “church is not the same thing as Sabbath. That’s a very misleading title that you have there.
To which I reply, “I know. This post is somewhat about how I suck at Sabbath even though I’ve always gone to church.”
Because guys, I suck at Sabbath.
If you grow up in a ministry family, Sabbath can’t really happen on Sunday. Sunday tends to be the busiest and most stressful day of the entire week. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that, and it had been pointed out to me many a time that Sunday could not be Sabbath for my Dad, and probably not for the rest of us either. So Saturday should have been our Sabbath right? But most of the week was for school, and Saturday was the only day open enough to do those extra kinds of things like mowing the lawn or washing the sheets.
No one intended for it to happen, but Sabbath was sort of shady for me. Kind of there kind of not. Kind of Saturday, kind of Sunday, mixed in with homework and chores and poorly defined. Mostly we worshipped on Sunday morning and napped on Sunday afternoon, so that was probably as close as it gets.
My point being, that I came into motherhood already not sure how to do this thing. And motherhood is definitely a gig that does not include a lot of natural rest.
Kids always need to eat.
Kids always need help getting dressed.
Kids always have fights that have to be broken up before punches fly (at least in my boy house)
Kids don’t stop asking questions.
Kids don’t stop needing supervision.
Kids (especially babies) don’t put up with being dropped in a crib or bed with books for a very long time.
Kids do not really let you sleep in or take Sunday afternoon naps.
Kids. Don’t. Stop.
What would it even mean for me right now to fully rest for a day? How do I even do that when I’m fairly sure I’ve been breaking the Sabbath my entire life simply because the guidelines for doing so as a ministry kid were poor, and my own commitment to it shoddy.
Going to church can be part of resting. But I’m very bad at doing it that way–and I shoot away the rest of my day on so many things.
So here’s my Sabbath offering to all the Mom’s out there, and to anyone else who finds themselves heavy laden with things that can’t be put down on EVERY day of the week: I’m brain-storming a list of all the things I CAN and should put down on Sabbath and my plan to be intentional about such things. And because I like lists, we’re going to go ahead and number it up.
1. Anxiety and general worries.
I know this one is WAY easier said than done, but hear me out. I tend to use anxiety to propel me into action. It’s not always a BAD thing for me. I think many people use it to benefit. Some of the reason I worry is because I’m afraid I won’t do a thing unless there’s a proper amount of anxiety beneath it. (And I’m not wrong). What’s school going to be like next year? Should my youngest go to the same preschool as my middle? Can my oldest be trusted on the school bus after the incident this week? Have I done enough planning for what we’ll eat this week? Did I drop the ball on too many tasks LAST week? Is that one lady who’s name I forgot in Mom’s group upset with me, and is the rhyme I came up with in my head good enough to help me remember? Am I connecting enough with my community? Am I being TOO MUCH? Is that one comment I made on Facebook going to blow up in my face?
Nope. Put it down. Put it all down. I don’t have to force anything though today or hold anything more than what I’m doing at this exact minute. Nope nope nope.
2. Food making.
Look this one’s way more practical and not really very deep, but I’m bad at planning ahead on Sunday. A big part of original Sabbath was collecting or preparing enough food ahead of time that it wasn’t a thing you had to do. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to serve my kids, and it doesn’t mean there won’t be dishes that simply must be done after. I can plan ahead and we can do sandwiches and crock pots and soup from a can. I hereby am going to give this to the Sabbath from now on.
3. Kid discipline.
No, hear me out. Sometimes kids must be separated from things that are causing them to misbehave or siblings they are fighting with. But I can go so deep into a shame hole wondering if the consequences I’m offering will produce the desired results, or if my kids are learning anything, or if I should have that talk with them one more time to make sure they understand. But no more. On this day we extend grace, and if it is needed kids are simply separated from the problem or put in a quiet space. Today we don’t lecture. Today we don’t give overly complicated consequences or worry if they will one day end up in jail. I am trusting God with all of that.
4. All the Extra chores.
Some things have to happen with kids always. I can’t put everything down. But I can put down laundry, or more than maintenance pick ups, and stressing over responding to emails. Today is for Fellowship, Worship and Joy–and oxes in the ditch in the way of kids needing undies, brushed teeth, clothing and basic feeding. Everything else can wait.
5. Difficult Discussions or worrying about them.
I hate hard discussions. I am terrible at them. I’ve been trying to have them more lately, without tears or trying to bail out of the whole thing, but it is the most impossible task I take on by far.
But today is a day for pausing and postponing. For trusting God to keep and watch over the relationships in my life and issues that can be solved tomorrow.
6. Bad TV.
Sabbath is for the renewing of the mind. So even though I think “Good Girls” is Breaking Bad for Moms and my new most favorite guilty pleasure show ever, it’s not particularly restorative. It can wait until tomorrow. Enough said.
Books could be written on Mom guilt. The constant rehashing and wondering if I’m doing it wrong, if I should plan more crafts and more fun outings and more sing-alongs, or if perhaps I should have gone back to work and hired it all out to a professional who would stay better engaged because sometimes paychecks are more motivating than personal idealism. Ok OFTEN paychecks are more motivating than personal idealism.
But today I’m good. I’m held. No guilt. No wondering. Plenty of walking them to the park and letting them play independently while I soak up the sun.
The poop will keep. Enough said.
The baby can change himself.
Hahahahaha, ok I’m just kidding. Diapers must be changed. Oh well.
10. Dressing up for society.
Now look, its been a really long time since I personally felt shamed into dressing up for other people. But I have started trying to at least put in the effort to not look scary and to take down SOME of the barriers of relating to people by just wearing attractive clothes and trying to do something with hair and makeup. I know some people really DO feel that shame, but either way it is effort put in for people. Can I encourage you to dress for God on Sabbaths? Wearing pajamas in college was one of the most woke things I ever did. I had to get away from worrying about other people looking at me and just showing up for God. And that’s what pajamas were for me for awhile. I think this is a highly individualized thing and can change from week to week. Even now sometimes I dress up and sometimes I wear jeans and a T-shirt to church. I wear whatever will help me focus on God that particular Sabbath. This might be the ONLY thing on this list I already do without a struggle, and I sincerely want to offer that freedom to more people, especially women. Dress for worshipping God and being right with him–not people.
That’s my list of things I can actually do to rest on Sabbath. Anyone else have any insights into keeping an attitude and atmosphere of rest even around constant family obligations, ministry or anything else that tends to get in the way? I’d love to hear what you do.
*This is a picture of me sacking out in the church atrium while my Dad worked. Off screen I had rolled up one of those TVs all 90s churches had and was watching everything from the church library that seemed interesting. Yup, that’s my blanky.